So I am impatiently waiting James' homecoming, I'm excited and I really can't wait. So I posted on my facebook that "I have an amazing husband. Not too much longer and I'll have him home with me." I wrote it because that's how I was feeling, I wasn't fishing for any kind of comment. But to my surprise I received a comment that just annoyed the hell out of me. I'm not sure why this person felt the need to say the things they did or if they thought that they were giving me some kind of compliment, but I just found it rude. This person commented saying, "I don't know how u do it! B----- was gone for like 7 days once and it sucked! I couldn't imagine having to be alone most of my life...good luck...takes someone strong!" Why I was annoyed, well first off comparing your husband being gone for 7 days to my husband being gone for a whole year, yeah it sucks that he is gone but it's his job and what ever your husband was doing I'm sure was nothing compared to my husband. But the part that pissed me off the most is the "I couldn't imagine having to be alone most of my life..." First of all I'm not alone, I am surrounded by my family and friends who have been amazing support while James has been deployed. Second of all "most of my life"? well... he has only been gone a year (yes it has felt like forever) but that's not most of my life (not sure where you got that idea).
I love my husband with all my heart and this past year has been tough but through being so far apart from each other it has really made us closer and made us a stronger couple. I fully support my husband and his career and I'm very proud of what he is doing. Every chance I get I pray for my husbands safety as well as for all the men and women that are still over there fighting for our country.
So for others out there, here are a few things that you may find harmless saying but can be taken hurtful to someone who is going through having a loved one deployed.:
1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds ---but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives, girlfriends or fiances have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious woman who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.)
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. A deployment is part of their job. you finish what you start. Please don't ask again.)
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's an army wife, fiance or girlfriend out there who gets bored when her soldier leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored thanks to school.)
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one isn't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to war b/c there is work that needs to be done.)
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)
8. "My husband went to Tahoe for a ski trip with his buddies once for a week. I totally know what you're going through!"
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your boyfriend's one week trip to Tahoe/Montana/London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 7 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your boyfriend or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your boyfriend could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, or drove calmly miles and miles, or slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 7 month combat deployment to a week trip is like comparing a shitty ford Taurus with Mercedes convertible.)
9. "Wow you must miss him?"
(This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some girlfriends who do not and they're now separated.)
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for eight years and at war in Iraq for six years. I also don't expect you to know that Al Asad is the second largest military base out there. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day ---and on maps everywhere.)
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)
12. "Don't you miss sex! I couldn't do it!"
(hmmm, no i don't miss sex. I'm a robot. I hate sex and everything that relates to sex. seriously...Army learn quickly that our relationships must last on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 7 months of sex deprivation.)
13. "Well in my opinion....."
Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and homework, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to eat a damn In-n-Out Burger)
last but not least....
14. "Your husband is deployed? OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad. which means..not in America. or better yet, in Your back yard.)
#5 and #2 the ones I get the most.
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